Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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