You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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