If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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