Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
