I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
