god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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