Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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