Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
