I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
