if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
