I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
