I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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