I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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