I can text with my tongue
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
