i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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