i wish peter jackson would direct porn
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
