Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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