in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
