I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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