I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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