Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize