omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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