can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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