I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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