i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
