Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
