I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
