R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
