Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
