We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
