I cannot find my penis.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
