I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
