U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
