I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize