I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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