Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
