Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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