I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
