I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
