The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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