god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize