i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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