is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
