I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
