Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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