Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
