bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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