the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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