So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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