my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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