ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
