I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize