he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
