I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
