I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
