I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
