i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
