I wish I only lived at night.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
