I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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