Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize