I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
