All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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