Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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