dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
